Dear Scrollers –
For my preview of the parasha this week I thought I’d share
a piece I wrote as part of my Jewish Mindfulness Teacher Training. Every
participant is responsible for writing a Dvar Torah with meditation
instructions for one parasha during the year, and this was my week. My piece
focuses on Jacob’s wrestling with the “man” until dawn and how our minds deal
with the “unpleasant.” You’ll see that at the end there are meditation
instructions. If you practice meditation, you may want to try it out and see if
it works for you!
Looking forward to studying this parasha with all of you,
Rabbi G.
. . . a mindfulness
midrash
“We came to your
brother Esau; he himself is coming to meet you, and there are four hundred men
with him. Jacob was greatly frightened.
. . .” (32:7-8)
He is going to see his brother tomorrow – his brother whom
he hasn’t seen in 21 years, who was pursuing him to kill him the last time they
saw each other –the brother whom he had cheated out of the blessing.
And Jacob does what he typically does when he is frightened.
He takes control of the situation,
dividing up his camp, sending wave after wave of gifts ahead to his
brother, hoping that if he propitiates him ahead of time, Esau will let him off
easy.
But Jacob can’t control this situation. He doesn’t know what
he is going to face. He is scared. And for once in his life, he stays put, and
he sits with the fear.
“. . . .Jacob was left
alone. And a man wrestled with him until the break of dawn.” (32:25)
All night long, he sits alone with the fear, and all night, Jacob
tries to run away. But the man pulls him back again and again, pinning him to
the ground. All night long, Jacob’s mind weaves stories – he reviews his past
deceptions, his manipulations . So many stories. So unpleasant. The man’s arms grip him, hold him still, so
Jacob can feel the guilt sitting there at the bottom of his stomach, until
slowly, it dissipates. All night long, anxious thoughts turn Jacob away from
the moment and the man, drawing him towards the next morning . He pictures “what
if” scenarios of blood and death and screams. But the man firmly turns Jacob
back to face him, holding him, until he returns to the moment.
As the sun rises, Jacob’s hip is sore, but he feels a sense
of release.
“I will not let you go
unless you bless me,” Jacob says. (32:27)
And a strange thing happens. Warm fingers of compassion make
their way around Jacob’s heart.
When the man leaves, Jacob realizes that he has looked the
truth in its face, he is broken, and he has survived (32:31).
He limps towards Esau, his brother – his twin from whom he
had separated. Esau runs to greet him, embraces him, kisses him and weeps.
The work has already been done. All that Jacob needed to do
was to stay in one place and wrestle. Now his heart is open, and Esau can sense
it. And they are connected again. And as Jacob leaves his brother, this time he
is not running, he is no longer afraid. He is whole (33:18).
…some musings
Sitting with the unpleasant is a practice. It is an
intentional wrestling that takes place internally, as we firmly an lovingly
stay with whatever we want to flee from. The habitual response to the
unpleasant is to run. Staying put feels dangerous. However, it is possible to
feel the unpleasant and to feel safe while the unpleasant makes itself known in
the body. The wrestling can become an embrace, as we come back to the body,
back to sensation, whether pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. When we are feeling
scared, like it’s time to run, we can bless ourselves with safety and strength
so that we can continue to stay put. It is possible to emerge from that firm
embrace feeling transformed, with a more open heart.
We see Jacob practicing staying with the unpleasant as he
wrestles with “the man.” This is a new practice for Jacob, who has previously
dealt with fear or conflict by running away or manipulating or deceiving. After
his night of wrestling, Jacob encounters his brother in a new way, free from
past habitual modes of response. He is able to receive his brother’s embrace,
and he sees in his brother the face of the Divine. He is able to be whole with
his brother, showing up with his strained hip – his place of vulnerability. And
he leaves his brother “shalem,” or
“whole.” Even as they go their separate ways, they are no longer separate.
…instructions for
practice
Sit in a relaxed,
alert posture. Bring your attention to the breath – where it enters and leaves
the body. Note sensation in the body and whether it is pleasant, unpleasant or
neutral. Imagine strong arms holding you in a firm, loving embrace. You are
safe, and you are rooted in this place. As thoughts and stories arise, feel the
arms holding you, re-centering you. When unpleasant thoughts and feelings
arise, bless yourself: “May I feel safe. May I feel strong. May I live with
ease.” Return to sensation, to breath. Allow the feelings and sensations
associated with the thoughts to make themselves known in the body. Feel those
strong arms holding you. Bless yourself each time an unpleasant phenomenon arises.
Note when the feelings dissipate. When you are ready, allow the arms to release
you.
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